Zombies? Oh No, It's Just Joe
by KristianaJanelle
Summary: Samoa Joe is a mass murderer. He also rides a mini horse. It gets a bit graphic at times, read at your own risk. Please review and feel free to leave any suggestions for future stories.
1. The Security Guard

Another day and you're stuck at work. This should be, well, just about as boring as every other. Something's different today though. You're used to not having many people around, but today you feel even more alone than usual. Normally, there's a least one or two cars driving by on the road, but not today. At first, you try to ignore this feeling you have, but you can't take it anymore. Now you're sure something is going to happen. You just wish you could figure out what before it's too late. Hours pass and you find yourself checking the security cameras more and more. Becoming more worried and anxious with each passing second, you stare into the cameras and down the hallways. You're looking for something, anything, that will confirm what you're already sure of. The fact, despite being the only person for miles, you're not alone. Finally, you see it on the screen, that faint silhouette in the distance. It sends chills down your spine. You want to run, but you can't pry yourself away from the image. Then you start to hear them, the whispers that seem to come out of the walls. You can't make out what they're saying and you're not sure you even want to. You remember the zoom function on the camera and zoom in for a closer look. What at first appeared to be a member of the undead army seems to be larger than normal. You're curious, and zoom in more. Suddenly, you realize you're not dealing with an undead army. What you're dealing with is a Nation of Violence, and it's moving quickly towards you. You can only stare in fear as the chants become clear. "Joe's gonna kill you, Joe's gonna kill you" You finally break free from your trance, but it's too late. You realize you're on the losing end of a fight for your life. Joe is the champion and his reign of terror over the living cannot be ended. You're caught and slammed to the ground. The impact seems to bust your muscles. You struggle to stay conscious as the life is choked out of you, but in the end you have no choice but to tap out for the final time. Joe has earned another victory.


	2. The Investigator

She'd heard the stories about what happened in this building, but she never believed them. Still, one can never be too careful, so she approached with caution. She opened the door and walked slowly inside, making sure to check everything twice. She saw a door at the end of a hallway, and was sure this was the place she was sent to investigate. She walked into the room and immediately saw the blood. It looks like it's been there a while, probably the result of some poor animal becoming something's meal. She ignored it; after all, if it was anything to worry about, it'd be fresh. At least that's what she thought. Still slightly on guard she continued to search the room. Aside from the blood, everything seemed as normal as the day they said it happened. She had cleared the whole room except for one thing, the large cupboard at the far side of the room. Feeling completely at ease, having found nothing thus far, she flung open the cupboard with no regard to what may be inside. Wrong move. Suddenly she was face to face with him….the man who had gone missing all those years ago; still wearing his security uniform, covered in blood. She jumped back and screamed. Realizing that her screams did her no good, she regained composure. She studied his body. His face had been carved in what appeared to be a tribal design. It was then that she realized how wrong she was. The stories were true. Still, the body, just like the blood, had been there for years, judging by its condition, so she continued without much worry. She checked the rest of the building for other victims and discovered this poor man had died alone. By this time it was getting dark, so she decided to set up her living space in the back of the building. It was going to be a long month if this was all she had to work with. She sat and watched the stars at night; she always did love the sky. She quickly found ways to pass the time by watching the animals and clouds in the day. If she wasn't so in love with nature, she'd probably be driven insane out there all alone. She managed to keep her sanity and still keep herself safe until day 29 of her 30 day stay. She decided she should pack up her stuff and get ready for morning. They would come pick her up in the morning; she just hoped they remembered she was out here. It wasn't that she was scared; she had plenty of supplies left. She was just bored beyond belief after 28 days of nothing. She was rolling up her sleeping bag, feeling slightly disappointed at her lack of results when she heard it. The sound of hooves, and it was getting closer. She found this slightly unusual, since there hadn't been an animal large enough to make that sound since she'd been there, but still, she brushed it off. Suddenly the sound stopped. She turned around to see where the animal had gone and was met with something entirely different. Sitting on a dark red mini horse with a giant coconut in his hand was Joe. She turned and ran. She tried to make it back inside the building but she was caught. He lifted her up into the air and threw her down. He smashed the coconut over her head, breaking both it and her skull into pieces. He picked up one of the sharp pieces and began carving into her face. She should have believed the stories.

The next day they came to get her. They were a late to pick her up and saw that her camp had been neatly packed up and her bags were sitting on the edge of the road. They looked around the building and found that it was as nice and clean as it could be. She must have gotten bored and cleaned. They saw no sign of her and figured she must have walked down the road to look for them. They put her bags in the back of the truck and went looking for her. After a couple miles in each direction, they realized she had not walked to meet them, but instead, she was missing. They decided to check her bags for a note or some clue as to where she had gone. They searched the smaller bags first, leaving a large, heavy duffel bag for last. Finally they opened the last bag. They found her, but not before Joe.


	3. The Strange Housekeeper

They won't let us stay alone here anymore, not after the last time we were told he was gone. Now we have a whole team of people who stay here, disguised as housekeepers, while we work. I've only met a couple of them, but they all seem to be pretty nice people. I don't mind the company, it tends to make the time pass a little more quickly. However, the guy they have working the closest to my office is a bit strange. He's not a bad person, he just tends to keep to himself a lot. We all use the computers here, even though we're told we shouldn't, but lately he's become very secretive about his computer work. I just assume he's reporting to our boss to make sure everything is safe, but I don't understand why that information should be something that he keeps from me. It's not that I need to know, it's simply that I would feel more comfortable knowing what was going on. He's here now, watching me, I know it. I wonder if he knows that I'm aware of his constant monitoring. I've set traps in all the keyboards that will record anything he types and bring up any documents he was using. When he leaves, I'll follow him, I just have to find out what he's doing on these computers that he can't tell me about.

He's leaving now. He seems to be heading straight for the computers, almost as if he doesn't care whether or not I find out anymore. This seems very strange to me, but my need to find out what he's doing is overtaking any urge to turn back. I'll wait for him to leave before checking the computer.

He's finally gone, now I can check to see what he's been doing. This is strange, there's nothing more than an email document. I feel like I shouldn't open it, simply to respect his privacy, but I must find out what's going on. In the last email sent to him, it simply says "he's ready, he's waiting", what could this mean? I see him coming back, I can't read anymore. I can't shake the feeling that something's about to happen, something that I cannot control. Something else seems off, I have not seen any of the other housekeeping staff tonight, despite the fact that there's a lot of work to be done. I can't think about this for much longer, as I've just heard a strange noise. I have to go back to my office and check the cameras.

I get back to the office and check the cameras, but see nothing except horse tracks in the snow. Wait, there are no horses around here, where have the horse tracks come from? I keep watching the monitors while keeping an eye out for the strange housekeeper, but he's nowhere to be found. At last I finally see what it was that had been bothering me. Riding a dark red mini horse with a giant coconut in one hand and the strangest weapon I've ever seen in the other is Joe! I know there's no use in running, so I continue to watch. The weapon is so strange that I'm stunned and intrigued by it all at once. It's a long pole with a chain on the end of it, on the end of the chain is a plastic severed head wrapped in barbed wire and several broken Christmas bulbs. I hear a crash and my attention is drawn to the hallway, the strange housekeeper is back and he looks very frightened. He tells me he's made a horrible mistake and that he's sorry for what was about to happen. I glance back at the monitors and notice that Joe is no longer in view. I just barely look back in time to see the severed head swinging towards the housekeeper's own head. To my surprise, the weapon completely beheads him. Before I can consider the irony of this, Joe, still on his horse, turns his attention to me. Now I realize that the housekeeper was trying to warn me in the email. Joe was indeed here, and he was ready to kill me.

_This firsthand account of events was found in the middle of an office in a pool of blood. It appears to be printed off from a nearby computer. The bodies of the victims allegedly murdered by Joe have never been found. However, the bodies of the other housekeepers on shift that night were found in a nearby snowbank. They had been dismembered arranged in a sick and bloody display to say __"Joe was here"._


	4. The Group of Friends

They say there was a killer who used to choose his victims from the old, deserted college just over the hill. Rumor has it he kept coming back, so they decided to just shut the entire facility down. Some say he's still there somewhere, waiting for his next victim, but I think they're just trying to scare the younger kids. I'm too old to believe in that type of stuff, it's obviously just the result of boredom and having too much time on your hands.

Still, I wonder what really is up there. Why is it that no one has taken ownership of a location that seemingly has so much potential? Why did the college really close down in the first place? My friends keep talking about going over there to spend a night in the college, just to see if there's anything weird there. I keep telling them that the rumors don't say it's haunted, just that there's some psychotic killer there. They don't seem to understand that if they believe the stories and rumors, that makes them slightly suicidal for wanting to go there. However, since there's most likely nothing there besides a few dead rats, it would be pretty funny to see them have to spend the night in that old dirty building. Maybe I should go with them just for my own amusement.

Clearly, I've let my curiosity and slightly sadistic sense of humor get the best of me, because I'm going with them to the college. I keep telling them they're going to have to spend the night on an old, dirty floor, but they seem to think they won't survive the night. Does this count as an assist for attempted suicide if I continue to encourage them to go?

We've arrived at the gate, I'll admit it's a bit more intimidating than I expected it to be. This place does give off an energy that says something really horrible happened here. I keep telling myself it's just the cheap tacos I ate for dinner, but I can't help but feel a bit nervous seeing the college in person. Everything seems darker here and the moon seems to have disappeared from the sky completely. Obviously, I've been listening to too many of those stories since I almost believe there is something evil waiting for us here.

Everyone else feels scared and nervous too, but being the intelligent human beings that we are, we all continue through the gates of the college. We get to the front entrance of the college and decide to split up and look for a good place to camp out for the night. I'm feeling a bit better, having come across nothing out of the ordinary, and I crack a joke about how this plan is the one that always gets people killed in the movies.

I enter the building and turn right down a hallway. I'm surprised by how normal and clean it still looks after all these years of apparent abandonment. I start to think that maybe this is a setup. Thinking back the gate barely made a noise when we opened it and it wasn't locked. I laugh to myself as I think of how stupid I was to get sucked into a tourist attraction in my own town. The floors are shiny as if freshly waxed and the walls appear to be freshly cleaned. I flip a light switch just to see if it works, and sure enough, the lights have been cut. I'm such an idiot, I've been suckered into entering a Halloween fun house, and it's not even October yet.

I turn a corner and find a doorway at the end of the hall. The sign on it says that it's a locker room. I enter, expecting to find cheaply made dummies hanging from the ceiling covered in fake blood or something similar. I laugh out loud as I see what's in front of me. Confirming my suspicions of a fun house is a room full of mirrors. Amused, I continue into the room, careful to look for any "zombies" that may be waiting, just so I can laugh in their faces and give them the finger.

I make my way to a clearing surrounded by mirrors. It appears to be the center of the room and I notice a dummy covered in "blood" is laying on the floor. On the lockers next to it is a message that reads "Joe's gonna kill you" in red paint. I take a step closer to the dummy and realize something strange. It's wearing the same clothes one of my friends was wearing when we came here tonight. I roll my eyes, realizing that they set me up, hoping to scare me. I shout "Nice try, guys" as I reach out a hand and shove the "body" laying on the floor in front of me over onto his back. I gasp and take a step back. This is the most incredible makeup job I have ever seen, his face appears to be completely ripped off.

Before I have time to realize that it's not makeup, I hear a sound from behind me. I look up and see a figure in a clown mask in the mirror in front of me. No, it's in ALL the mirrors around me. In his hand is the face of my friend, still dripping with blood. I turn to run, but I can't remember which way is the real exit. I run straight into a mirror and fall backward, dropping my flashlight. I hear something that sounds like hooves coming towards me and look over to see the shadowy image of a dark red minihorse in one of the mirrors. I'm frozen from fear and can't even move a finger.

The figure in the clown mask opens a locker. I watch as a coconut falls to the ground. The clown-masked man doesn't seem to care. I watch as he brings a long pole with a chain on the end of it, on the end of the chain is a plastic severed head wrapped in barbed wire and several broken Christmas bulbs out of the locker. He moves it so that it's hovering over my head and hangs the fleshy remains of my friend's face on it. The blood is dripping over my own face now and I feel like I'm about to pass out. The mini horse is blocking what I now see is the only exit. The masked man rests one foot on me to ensure that I don't move and bends down to pick up the coconut. He takes out a knife and I think he's ready to kill me. Instead, he cuts a hole in the coconut and sticks a straw with an umbrella on it inside. I can't believe what I'm seeing as the clown-masked man stands there drinking milk from the coconut. Finally, he drops the coconut. I turn and stare at it, as I know what's coming next. He raises the weapon on the pole up over his head and brings it down towards me. The last thing I see is my friend's face coming down towards my own out of the corner of my eye. Joe wins again.


	5. Joe VS The Harveys

It was late and Joe was getting bored. He'd already killed off an entire small town that night, but somehow it just wasn't enough for him. He needed more victims and he needed them soon. He rode his mini horse through the countryside looking for victims, but it seemed he'd killed off everyone in his previous attacks. He thought about checking out the college where he'd had a lot of previous success, but then he remembered that they closed it down for good after the last time and no one would be there. Accepting defeat, he rode the mini horse to the top of a hill, prepared to rest for the night.

It was then that he saw it. A faint, but large, area of light about a mile off. It was a warehouse. Joe wondered who could be stupid enough to stay around that late, knowing that there was a killer as vicious as him out there. Excited about the possibility of shedding more blood before the night was through, he jumped back on his mini horse and raced toward the warehouse.

As he approached the warehouse, Joe saw that the light was coming from small windows. He stopped for a moment and just stared at the windows. They were all shaped like glasses. Figuring it was just a glasses factory, he went around to the entrance, looking for his first victim. When he got to the door, he noticed that it too had a cutout in the shape of glasses for a window.

Joe had prepared for a battle with factory workers and couldn't believe what he saw when he looked through the window. Inside were hundreds of identical men, all hunched over a giant wrestling ring. The men seemed to be pulling out more and more copies of themselves. Attempting to catch them by surprise, he eased open and stepped inside. The men continued to work, not noticing someone had entered the warehouse.

As Joe closed the door behind him, it squeaked slightly. Hearing the door, one of them men turned around to see who was there. Joe, surprised not by being noticed, but by the identity of the the man staring back at him. Within ten seconds, Joe was staring at an army of hundreds Harvey Whippleman clones, each one staring directly at him.

Joe had prepared for a battle with factory workers and couldn't believe what he saw when he looked through the window. Inside were hundreds of identical men, all hunched over a giant wrestling ring. The men seemed to be pulling out more and more copies of themselves. Attempting to catch them by surprise, he eased open and stepped inside. The men continued to work, not noticing someone had entered the warehouse.

As Joe closed the door behind him, it squeaked slightly. Hearing the door, one of them men turned around to see who was there. Joe, surprised not by being noticed, but by the identity of the the man staring back at him. Within ten seconds, Joe was staring at an army of hundreds Harvey Whippleman clones, each one staring directly at him.

Without a word and in one swift motion, every single Harvey took off their glasses and threw them at him. Joe had become a dart board and the glasses were the darts. He'd managed to deflect most of them, but he was hit with a few of them. Just then, Joe's mini horse came bursting through the window in the door, sending glass flying everywhere. Behind it, was a wagon full of coconuts.

Joe jumped onto the wagon and began hurling coconuts at the army of Harveys, picking them off one by one. He'd managed to take out the first several rows of Harveys when the wrestling ring started to shake. Smoke started pouring out of the ring. After a minute the smoke cleared and three hundred new Harveys exploded from the ring. After they had all hit the ground, the ring burst into flames. At once, all the Harveys screamed at Joe that he'd ruined it all.

Having no idea what they meant, Joe starting hurling coconuts at random to eliminate as many Harveys as he possibly could. He'd taken out about half of them before they finally reached him. They grabbed him and carried him to the ring like he was a sacrifice to the Harvey Whippleman God. Upon tossing him into the flames, something happened they hadn't planned for. The entire ring exploded, sending the warehouse up in flames and all the Harveys running for their lives.

The last thing Joe saw before the ring exploded was a coconut wedged behind a lever. He finally realized what he'd ruined. By sunrise, the warehouse had burned to the ground, leaving no survivors.


End file.
